Visions of Felix

Not long after Felix passed away, we were given time to be with his body at Mercy Medical Center. There was a chaplain there to help guide us through our grief. One of the first things she asked us to consider was how we would know that Felix was around us so that we could gain comfort.

Frankie immediately said lilacs because of the lilac bushes at the house on Walden Street in Concord where Felix grew up and the huge ones at my parents' house. Frankie knew that anytime he saw or smelled lilacs, Felix would be around.



For Bekah it was Vincent Van Gogh that represented Felix. She had watched the film Loving Vincent with him and had viewed much of Van Gogh's work with Felix at the National Gallery of Art in Washington DC. She found the song Vincent beautiful and reminiscent of her artist brother. Bekah knew that, for her, a sign of Vincent meant a sign of Felix.

For me, it was a much harder question to answer. I felt like I should know it immediately. I felt I should know it emphatically. I felt that there should be one right answer so that I would know without a doubt that he was there. The chaplain's question left me questioning, not just the last few weeks and months with my son, but the last 29 years and whether I really ever knew him at all. and, beyond that, I was questioning what I really believed spiritually about the afterlife.

In the hours that followed, I probed family and friends for the answer to the same question, as much to find out how well others knew him as to find out how I'd know he was around. I came to several conclusions as we collectively brainstormed.

Felix was an intensely inward person. He would reveal small bits of himself in different ways to different people, but never all to one person. He thought so much more deeply, and felt so much more strongly than he ever revealed. Like all artists, he expressed himself through his artwork. Art is where he put all of himself, which is why he could be so self-conscious about it and why he took it so hard when it was critiqued. Yet, because artistic expression was like breathing or just being for him, he was always surprised by overwhelmingly positive reactions to his work.

Since in life Felix shared different facets of himself with different people, it only made sense that he would reveal himself differently to people in the afterlife. There were, however, some signs unique to Felix that we could all use to recognize when he was around.


As we stood in the hall outside the ICU discussing possible signs, I glanced at a plaque on the wall with an infinity sign on it. That was Felix's favorite symbol. He used to draw them with a small heart above. Just days before he commented on an infinity necklace worn by one of his nurses. Felix also loved the number 8 because it is a sideways infinity symbol.

There was something else that I remembered. When we had been at Memorial Hospital a fire alarm went off one night and an eerie quiet came over the floor as all the doors were shut. Again, just after Felix passed away another fire alarm went off at Mercy Medical Center. And later on that evening, back at home, 3 different smoke detectors started beeping for no reason.

Eli remembered that Felix had said that spirits made themselves known through candle flames. He said that when a candle flickers and there is no breeze, it is a spirit. Felix also loved candles and burned them frequently.

I remembered another story from Mercy Medical Center from a few days before Felix passed away. Felix had 2 large windows and there was a tree outside where birds frequently flocked. One day a cardinal appeared and stood out as a bright red amongst all of the more muted birds. Felix and I thought it was a sign of healing and protection, but retrospectively it could have been the spirit of a deceased loved one coming to help guide Felix into the afterlife. I'm certainly going to pay attention the next time I see a cardinal.


Like lilacs, Felix loved cherry blossoms, and also like lilacs, they have a short time when they are in bloom. Felix took countless photos and videos with cherry blossoms in multiple locations with many different people. He was drawn to Japanese culture and cherry blossoms are an important symbol of the profound beauty, but frailty and brevity, of life. They are a symbol of renewal and rebirth. Felix was drawn to both the beauty and the meaning of the cherry blossom. Like the cherry blossom, Felix's life was short but he filled it with overwhelming beauty and meaning.



In the weeks that have passed since Felix's passing, I, and many others, have been visited by Felix in our dreams. It makes perfect sense to me that Felix would appear this way because when he was alive we talked endlessly about our dreams. We would help each other to analyze them, finding meaning and guidance. In one dream Felix told me that he wouldn't be gone for long; that he would come back to me. In other dreams he has sent the message that he doesn't want to be forgotten. He didn't want to go; he wasn't ready. We all need to not only look for ways that he's around, but find ways to draw him to us.