Tales: Luke's Birth Story

I found out I was pregnant with Luke after I had started dancing a lot again. I was also working at a dance supply store and teaching several dance classes. I got pregnant in September which meant I was due in June, right around the end of the year dance concert at the studio where I worked.

I continued to dance through my pregnancy and for the first time I had a hard time gaining weight. I would often not gain anything, or even lose weight, from month to month.

I continually tried to convince the studio director that I should perform, after all I had done it while I was pregnant with my oldest. Of course, I wasn't 40 then and it wasn't a week before my due date. Still, I thought I could pull it off.

The week before the dance concert, I had resigned myself to not performing, but I still had a lot to do to get my students ready. I was still demonstrating full out, even in Irish Step Dance, but I remember feeling very tired and "funny" after my Thursday classes.

On the morning of Friday June 13th, I woke up not feeling right. I felt like it was getting to be that time. I was supposed to take the train and then a bus to Arlington to see my midwife, but I didn't think I could make it. Thankfully, she came to me.

After checking me out, she thought it would be soon but could still be a few days away. The baby's head was still up pretty high. That was all I needed to hear for the "green light" to finish up everything I needed to get done. I would be at the dress rehearsal that evening. I also had a load of pottery I needed to fire.

I carried 2 boxes of pottery a couple blocks up the street to my kiln. I unloaded finished ware and loaded the kiln back up again. On the way home carrying the boxes of finished pieces, I felt a small gush. Soon after I got home and rested, it slowed to less than a trickle.

I put on a pad and went to the dress rehearsal. My daughter, Lillian, was performing and I wanted to be there for her in addition to my students. I had mild cramps throughout the night, some strong enough that I stopped talking to breathe through them. I left at about 9pm and immediately went to bed.

At about 5:45am strong contractions woke me up. I went over to the computer and started timing them on a website to monitor contractions. After a very short time, I decided that it was not only time to wake up my husband Frank but that we should also call my midwife.

I wasn't totally sure I was in labor because my water had very obviously and dramatically broken prior to labor in all 5 of my older kids' births. I also generally retreat and get very quiet in active labor. This time I was more stir crazy and wanted to sit up rather than relax lying down. Still, I could not talk through contractions.

My midwife left to come over as quickly as possible, knowing how fast I can go.

In the meantime, Frank got everything ready. He first had to line our bed with plastic under the sheets, and put chux pads down over the sheets. He lined a cookie sheet with foil and placed sterilized items from our birth kit, like a nasal aspirator, thermometer, cord clamps, ad scissors. He put the alumunum foil wrapped baby blankets in the oven to warm up, and filled the crock pot with water and sliced ginger for warm compresses.

I was sitting on the edge of the bed when my midwife arrived, and then the assistant. I asked my midwife to check to see if I was dilated because I still wasn't sure if I was really in labor. She checked and said I was fully effaced and dilated, and that my baby was about half way down the birth canal.






Several contractions later, at exactly 9am, Luke was born. He was my 2nd Saturday birth. Lillian was also born on a Saturday, and also at 9am. All my other kids were born on Tuesdays.

getting ready to sneeze...

He sneezed twice immediately after being born!

the sneeze!

5 minutes old

Even though the birth was really fast, Frank managed to take photos and record a video of the birth.


Luke nursed right away with no problems. Since we had practiced Elimination Communication (EC) starting at birth with 2 other kids, we were able to catch his meconium and first pees in a potty. He wore tiny little training pants and undies.

needs the potty

It is amazing and empowering to recognize facial expressions and other signs expressing various needs.

 

hungry

That evening was the dance concert. I did Lillian's hair and make-up and my parents brought her to the show. They announced Luke's birth during the performance.

Soon after Luke was born, the kids came in to meet him.

Bekah holding Luke

Six weeks after Luke's birth my family was in a family member's bridal party. I needed to have my bridesmaid dress altered so that I could nurse Luke, and I had to find a halter style nursing bra. My mom made me a brocade sling to match my bridesmaid dress.

When Luke was a few weeks old, I took him with me to help out at the dance supply store. The wonderful owners bought a baby swing for Luke to sleep in while I worked. Most of the time, though, Luke just liked to be carried in the sling. By now I had plenty of babywearing experience, including working and wearing.

Luke turned 4 years old yesterday. He is smart, funny, energetic, imaginative, and extremely empathetic. Happy Birthday Luke!

Tales: Jack's Birth Story- You Better Work!

I remember the day I figured out I was pregnant with Jack. I was out at a meeting for a parenting group and I got a tell-tale headache. The longer it got between eating the worse the headache got. I took a pregnancy test as a formality. Of course, it was positive.

My pottery studio had been closed for nearly a year which meant less income but more time to rest. The resting helped with the nausea. I never even threw up with this pregnancy.

My last two homebirths had been paid for with tax refund money. In fact, both times the checks arrived the day of the birth. This time we wouldn't be getting a refund. We thought about our various options. I did not want to be in a hospital to give birth. After two homebirths there was no way I was going back.

We thought about a birth center but with my history of fast labors and no car that didn't seem right either.

We also considered an unassisted homebirth. Frank was excited about the idea after he caught Lillian. We bought a book on unassisted childbirth and a copy of Emergency Childbirth.

I knew that having to think too much in labor, rather than letting myself go, resulted in pain in labor for me. The only way I could let go enough would be to have my midwife there. We decided that we wanted to have the same midwife who attended our first two homebirths.

We needed to find a way to pay for the birth. We held a fundraising baby shower through Unique Baby Boutique. Guests bought us things we needed and we got a portion of the sales. It didn't amount to much though, nowhere near enough.

I had started setting up exhibit booths at conferences and events back when I still had my pottery studio so I continued after the store closed. This year I again set up at the Partners in Perinatal Health conference. It is an amazing conference unlike any other I've exhibited at. This year was especially amazing because Ina May Gaskin was the keynote speaker. She signed one of my hand painted pregnant pitchers!

I also set up an exhibit booth at the La Leche League of MA/RI/VT Area Conference to sell slings and my custom pottery. It was at that conference that I met Melinda Rothstein at a booth she had set up for DiaperFreeBaby, an organization supporting families practicing Elimination Communication (EC). After ECing Lillian from birth until her "graduation" to toilet independence at 1 1/2 years, I was excited to meet other ECers.

When I was about 37 weeks I set up our carnival size popcorn machine to sell popcorn at the local Earth Day festival. It was a rainy year but we were initially set up outside. When they made the call to move us inside I was already popping popcorn and I didn't even have anyone to help me move the huge machine. I waited for a festival worker to come help me move inside as I continued to pop popcorn in the rain. Finally when someone came to help, it was too close to the end of the event to set up inside. I didn't make much money, especially for the amount of effort it took.

In the end it was family that came through with funds to pay for our homebirth, especially my in-laws. It was so heartwarming to me that they cared so much about us. I am still grateful to this day. I am also grateful to our midwife for giving us a discount to make it more affordable.

If you read Lillian's Birth Story, you know that Frank was under the impression that I could control when my water broke by this time. So, the Monday evening when I was at 39 weeks Frank requested that my water not break between 9-10pm because he wanted to watch 24. I laughed and said that I had no control over that but I'd see what I could do.

That night after the kids were asleep and Frank was just getting settled downstairs to watch 24, I relaxed doing some light yoga on my bed to try to relieve the agonizing rib cage pain on my left side. I was in a modified child's pose when I felt an unbelievable sensation and heard a loud "pop". I'm still not sure which came first- Jack moving causing my water to break or my water breaking causing Jack to move rapidly down. Whichever it was it was an incredible sensation.

I called for Frank while enormous amounts of amniotic fluid gushed out. Frank, relaxing and feeling confident that he had at least an hour uninterrupted, tried to get up to run upstairs. He wouldn't normally try to rush so fast for just my water breaking but he must have heard the urgency in my voice after the startling way my water broke. Unfortunately, his foot had fallen asleep and he wasn't able to get upstairs as fast as the rest of his body wanted to. It was about 9:30pm.

We called our midwife and my aunt and started to do all the things we needed to do to prepare for the birth. I sat on the office chair in our bedroom with a chux pad under me while Frank put the plastic sheets on the bed (he would never put them on beforehand because he hated the feeling of them while he slept).

My aunt, midwife, and assistant midwife all arrived pretty quickly. For some reason CSI Miami was on the TV and my aunt kept commenting on how cute she thought David Caruso was. We had a water bell fountain set up in the room.

Lillian had just started sleeping in her own bed in the next room with her sister and she woke up several times during the labor. Frank had to continually leave to put her back to sleep. The rest of the kids stayed asleep.

The labor was moving pretty quickly and I felt like I was just about ready to push only the urge wasn't that strong. Something didn't feel quite right and doubt was starting to set in. My midwife, who had not done an internal exam with my other two homebirths, checked to see how dilated I was. I was just about fully dilated with just a "lip" to go. I remembered from my first birth that I did not want it to be manually pushed open during a contraction. So I continued to labor without pushing until the urge got really strong.

I think Jack must have been in a slightly odd position because the pushing took longer than my other babies. I had to work much harder too. My midwife commented on how strong and powerful I was while pushing. I felt that way too. I wasn't feeling pain and more than any other birth all my energy was channeled into pushing. No pain, just work.

I was in my usual spot and position- semi-reclining on my husband's side of the bed. The assistant, who had never attended one of my births before, asked if I wanted to try some other positions. My midwife, who knew me well by now, knew that this was my preferred place and position.

As he started to crown, my aunt commented on his red hair. Frank wasn't sure if she was joking or not because he was expecting dark hair like our other babies. Frank commented on how big his head was. He also had the cord around his neck like Frankie.

Finally, at 2:52am, Jack was born. He was my 4th Tuesday birth. He was 8lbs 5oz.

The first thing Frank noticed was his unbelievably beautiful umbilical cord. It was truly amazing! It looked silvery-white and had prominent bluish-purple veins that looked like pearls. The midwives loved his cord too. Our midwife explained that it was the way it formed in utero and it was rare.

As usual for me, it took a little while to birth the placenta. I had to give a few coughs and a few little pushes to coax it out. It was just as amazing as Jack's cord. It looked like a beautiful tree. My midwife spent about an hour making beautiful placenta prints.

Jack made the cutest little noises. He sounded like a puppy. He was pretty much born laughing and squealing. He was, and still is, a happy little guy. He has a funny sense of humor

He nursed well right from the beginning. I was involved in a lot of breastfeeding advocacy and support and Jack came with me to meetings and events. I held a "Nurse Out" when Jack was a few months old.

When Jack was a couple months old I thought about going to a DiaperFreeBaby meeting. I checked out their website and found information on becoming a Mentor. I filled out an online application. I went to a meeting while I was waiting for my application to be processed.

I couldn't believe how many other families were at the meeting. There was a NY Times photographer there too.

Just prior to going to my first DiaperFreeBaby meeting the Boston Globe did a story on the organization. Media outlets had started getting interested in doing stories on EC and DiaperFreeBaby. Once I became a Mentor, I noticed a lot of other Mentors needed media relations support. My father is a news photographer and I had just attended a PR and media relations workshop. I started offering tips to other Mentors and I created PR resources for our Yahoo! Group.

About a month later, the NY Times article came out and a People magazine article. I had also done an interview for a local newspaper. More and more media requests came in. DiaperFreeBaby did the morning talk shows- the Today Show, Good Morning America, the Early Show. I continued to offer advice and support. I was then asked if I would be the Communications Manager for the organization.

It was so busy at the time that I would spend 12 hours a day at the computer coordinating media pieces. I nursed and pottied Jack at the computer. He slept on my lap or in the bed a few feet away. I ate all my meals at the computer. If I left to go to the bathroom I'd come back and have 10 more emails in my inbox. It was a very exciting time and I learned a lot about media relations and PR.

We also took part in many interviews ourselves. After the filming of one local TV segment I ran out of cloth diapers on the way back home. I stopped at the mall and bought Jack some size 2 underwear. Even though he was 4 months old, they fit him perfectly. He wore undies from then on.

Jack is 5 years old today as I write this. Happy Birthday Jack Jack!

Tales: Lillian's Birth Story- She's One of Those People, She's Always Gotta Be Different

Lillian's pregnancy was the opposite of Bekah's in that I suspected it the moment I conceived. I was late right away so when I started having very bad morning sickness there was no mistaking it for a "weird flu." I had had it with my first 3 pregnancies but this was even worse. I tried just about anything over the course of the pregnancy to make the relentless nausea, fatigue, and headaches go away.

I started trying the usual things I do- eating small frequent meals of whatever I can stomach at the time and eating a lot of protein.

I was still having trouble functioning with the constant overwhelming feeling of sickness so I tried acupuncture. I had success with acupuncture for migraines. Some of the points were so sore that I bled, something that had never happened before. Since the acupuncture seemed to help a bit I started wearing sea sickness acupressure bands constantly. The only time I would take them off was in the shower or if they got so sore I bruised.

 

I had to be even more aware of what I was eating and when. I couldn't drink water in the morning or early afternoon. I had to eat about every 20 minutes, usually high protein, just to take the edge off of the unrelenting nausea. I drank a little soda to settle my tummy but I could only drink it with crushed ice. I couldn't eat bland food, like crackers. People's suggestion that I just eat some crackers and drink ginger-ale made me laugh or cry, depending on the day.

It got so bad that the smell of the water, not just shampoo or soap, but the actual water would make me throw up in the shower. I carried a bag with me everywhere I went in case I had to throw up. I cried a great deal of the time because I felt so bad. At one point my back-up midwife (a CNM) wrote me a prescription for Reglan to control the nausea. I never filled it.

I read about hyperemisis gravidarum and just reading stories helped a lot. I never had to be hospitalized for dehydration, though I did come close. The physical and emotional feelings from the extreme, relentless nausea led me to contemplate all sorts of horrible solutions to end my misery.

It was an unusually hot summer in Massachusetts and in addition to working full-time at my paint-your-own pottery studio, I was bringing my homeschooled oldest son into Cambridge by train every morning to go to camp at the Museum of Science and another camp at Boston Dance Company. It was extremely difficult while dealing with morning sickness.

One day I took ballet class with him at Boston Dance Company which actually helped temporarily. It was fun and funny to take class again with the former artistic director of the ballet company I was dancing with when I got pregnant with Felix.

In spite of the debilitating morning sickness, I managed to keep the pregnancy a secret while my sister, who worked at the pottery studio with me, contemplated having a 3rd baby. I actually encouraged her to have another baby because I didn't want my pregnancy to be a reason for her to hold off on having another child. I just figured we'd work out the logistics of running the store somehow. My sister did get pregnant, and then she found out I was pregnant too.

My daughter Bekah nursed throughout the whole pregnancy. She really loved to nurse! When I was about mid-pregnancy I developed yeast in my breasts. It is painful and a long process getting rid of it. In addition to making some diet and lifestyle changes, I used gentian violet. Bekah did not like the color or taste. She said the gentian violet was "spicy." She stopped nursing for 3 weeks while I was treating myself for the yeast. She slowly started up again after the purple was gone, and then really got interested after Lillian was born and there was more milk.

After having my last 2 babies at 36 weeks, I thought I would have another preterm birth. I had several risk factors too- short cervix, evaluation for preterm labor at 26 weeks, excessive walking and standing on my feet all day. However I made it to 36 weeks and celebrated by making a belly cast. Frankie started asking me when the baby would "crack out."

My sister and I also had the best baby shower ever around this time. We went to the fabric store and each picked out fabric to make a baby quilt. We cut the fabric into squares and had all of our friends and family decorate squares to be sewn into the baby quilts. We also asked everybody to bring a silver charm representing their hopes for the babies.

 

At the shower my sister and I each had beads we had picked out that we strung into necklaces with the charms. I continued to wear my necklace throughout the rest of my pregnancy. Guests also brought their favorite children's books to give to each baby. We had a tea theme and gave out goody filled tea cups as favors. We had a great time and I was elated that I had gotten in everything I ever wanted in a baby shower.

I figured I would give birth soon after the shower since I only expected to get to 36 weeks. I had a lot of work at the pottery studio and I was taking a local Family Strengthening workshop. I had a big project due painting platters for Epiphany School, a local Episcopal middle school. I wanted to complete the order of 30 platters before giving birth. I just kept painting, glazing, and firing as I got to 37 weeks, 38 weeks, 39 weeks and then finally reaching my "due date" at 40 weeks.

I only had 2 platters left to finish at 40 weeks 2 days. I worked all day at the store and finished painting and glazing the last 2 platters. I loaded them into the kiln and walked over to my acupuncturist's office about a 1/2 mile away. I couldn't believe I was actually getting "Chinese take-out" needles put in to encourage labor. The extra small flexible needles were held in place with round band aids on spleen 6 and great eliminator points on both sides of my body. They could stay there for a week and then be replaced with new ones.

After I had the needles put in I picked up a couple pizzas for dinner and walked the mile to my house. It was snowing out, but just lightly. It was just enough to make the town look magical. I often think that Concord looks so beautiful that it is surreal.

Back at home my husband discussed a birth request with me. He said he was tired at the other births because my water had broken in the middle of the night before he had a chance to sleep at all. He asked that my water not break until about 6am so he could be more rested. I laughed and told him that that wasn't something that I could control.

It was a Friday. Since all of my children had been born on a Tuesday so far, I figured that I wouldn't go into labor for a few days. I went to sleep early so that I could be rested up for work the next day. My in-laws were also coming to visit. They had been waiting until the baby was born but this was their last weekend they could come, so they decided to come anyway. We were all hoping the baby would be born during their visit.

I woke up suddenly at 5:45am when my water broke. I waited until 6am to wake up my husband Frank. He couldn't believe that I actually did it; I actually granted his wish for a 6am start to labor. I couldn't believe I was in labor on a Saturday instead of a Tuesday. Frank's parents and sister, Christine, were heading out from New York at around the same time. I wondered if they would arrive while I was still in labor.

We called our midwife to head over but at first there was no real urgency. Pretty quickly after I hung up the phone my contractions became intense and close together. I sat on the birthing ball breathing and low moaning to get through the contractions. By the time our midwife called her assistant and started heading over I was unable to talk through the near constant contractions. It was clear I was in transition. It was close to 8am.

Frank had planned a webcast of the birth to share with family and friends but since his family was already on the way over he put the idea on hold. Things were moving very fast and he had a lot to set up. After already being through one homebirth he knew exactly what to do. He turned the heat up, put the foil wrapped blankets in the oven, put the plastic sheets on the bed with old sheets on top, put some waterproof underpads on the bed, poured me some Gatorade, started boiling water to sterilize instruments, and started getting out the birth supplies, crock pot, and cookie sheet to hold the supplies. He also set up the video camera.

We had called my aunt to head over and she arrived at about the same time as both midwives. They were all grateful that Frank had done so much set up because I was sounding like I needed to push. I was shaking. My contractions had slowed down and I was in-between the intensity of transition and real pushing. I was feeling like I needed to push but was holding back until the urge was really strong.

I was on my husband's side of the bed in a semi-reclining position. Frank's nonchalant attitude kept cracking me up. I commented on the intensity of the labor.

At one point my midwife checked my daughter's heart rate with the Doppler and I could hear that it was very slow. It was clear it was her heartbeat and not mine. I wish that I didn't hear it for myself because it took me from "labor land" straight into my head. Labor gets painful when you are too "in your head," especially when there is also fear involved. I think, for the mother, labor is meant to be more on an instinctual level rather than a cognitive one.

My midwife asked me to turn onto my side to push. The act of moving and this new position brought up the intensity of labor. I prefer to give birth semi-reclining. I think the reason I instinctively choose this position is that it keeps the pushing stage at a slow to moderate pace making it more comfortable.

 

When I turned to my side, the contractions started coming faster and the baby moved through the birth canal faster than the slower forward and back pushing stage of my last 2 births. Even Frankie's 2 hour labor had a slow and controlled pushing stage. 

The intensity of the pushing was in sharp contrast to the Latin Lullaby CD that was playing in the background. I clutched the quilt made by family and friends. We had decided Frank would catch this time so he left the room to wash his hands as Lillian started to crown. 

 

Frank cheered me on as he guided Lillian's slippery body out and onto my chest. He was as elated and energized as I was after what seemed to me the most collaborative event the 2 of us have ever experienced together. It was 9:03am, a little over 3 hours after my water broke.

Lillian had no vernix left and her skin was dry and starting to peel a little. She weighed 8 lbs 8 ozs and had lots of dark hair. The kids all came upstairs to see her before the placenta even came out. My sister stopped by to see her on her way into the studio and the midwives were still filling out paperwork when my in-laws arrived.

While doing some online research on the Continuum Concept, a book I had read that really resonated with me, I came across some information on Natural Infant Hygiene, also known as Elimination Communication (EC). I had just finished reading Diaper Free! The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Infant Hygiene just before Lillian's birth. I decided I wanted to start right away. When the midwife asked if we wanted diapers on Lillian I said "no." The first time I offered Lillian the potty she peed.

Lillian came to the pottery studio with me starting just before her cousin, my nephew, Elessar was born 2 months later. She nursed, slept, pottied, and was carried in a sling all day 5 days a week at the studio until we had to close when she was 6 months old.

Tips: Getting Started with Elimination Communication

Elimination Communication (EC) is an alternative to full-time diapering where a caregiver responds to the instinctive signals babies give signaling their need to eliminate. Caregivers offer babies a potty, toilet, or other appropriate place to eliminate when one of these signals is noticed. Caregivers can also use timing (e.g. offering just upon waking) and intuition (feeling like the baby needs to eliminate) to determine when to offer their baby a chance to potty.


The first step in starting EC is the awareness that it is possible and that it is not early potty training. It is simply responding to a need in the same way a caregiver responds to hunger or sleep cues. Why would babies be born with the ability to express the need for hunger or sleep but not the ability to express the need to eliminate?

Since our culture has largely lost touch with the recognizing signs of impending, elimination many parents are confused with how to start, or feel it will be too time consuming. There are some simple steps that can be taken to help caregivers get started with EC.

Use Every Opportunity
Many parents start with a period of observation to become more familiar with their baby's signals, but you can also start by offering at the most likely times such as just upon waking, during or after nursing, and at diaper changes. The excitement generated by starting to "catch" can provide the momentum to keep going. EC is easier to understand once you start catching and communicating.

Use Cloth Diapers, Training Pants or Underwear
Using some form of cloth "back-up" helps your baby to stay aware of the feeling of being wet. Even when using disposable diapers slipping a piece of a washcloth or other similar piece of fabric inside the diaper can help keep a baby in touch with the feeling of wetness.

Use a "Matter-of-Fact" Approach
When first starting EC the first few catches can be very exciting, but for babies it is the expectation they are born with. Babies expect their signals that they need to eliminate to be responded to with the chance to eliminate away from their bodies. Well-meaning excitement and praise can be confusing to babies and leave them with the impression that they've done something wrong. If they are only doing what babies are supposed to do, why is there so much excitement?

Relax!
EC does not work well when stress is involved. The focus should not be on the number of catches, or even on EC as a bonding activity. Bonding is something that takes place over a period of time as a parent cares for a baby in a variety of ways. When one single practice is emphasized, whether it is breastfeeding or EC, as a way to bond it can create more pressure on parents. EC simply offers another caregiving tool.

Get Information and Support
EC is the modern adaptation of an ancient practice common to an entire community. It was ingrained through observation and practice and was as matter-of-fact as eating. A parent only had to look to any other member of the community for support, and didn't have the stress of being accused of practicing EC out of a motivation to be a "super parent".

In our modern culture we have lost touch with the community aspect of EC. Support organizations, such as DiaperFreeBaby, are filling this void. DiaperFreeBaby has in-person as well as virtual support. They have a DiaperFreeBaby Shop and a free newsletter.

DiaperFreeBaby also has a getting started with EC program and website called The DiaperFreeChallenge(TM).

Make It Your Own
I will admit it...I watch American Idol. I just got finished watching it tonight. Anyone who watches it knows that most of the judges are constantly pleading with contestants to "make it their own". On American Idol they are talking about giving the songs their own unique twist. In the case of EC I am offering it as a reminder that the process is a journey that is a little different for each family. We live in a melting-pot culture which gives us the freedom to parent a variety of ways. EC isn't a set of rules to be followed exactly. There shouldn't be stress about doing it the "right way".

The Storm Before the Calm

As the season's change in New England we are subjected to a roller coaster ride of ever-changing weather. The past couple of weeks alone, as we transitioned from winter to spring, brought us rain (lots and lots of rain!), sleet, snow, unseasonably warm and sunny weather, and wind...always a lot of wind. As I walked in whichever weather was served up each day, I reflected on how there is often a period of unrest before settling into a contented calm.

I wasn't thinking of just the weather either. First my mind wandered to things like the turbulence experienced while changing altitudes in an airplane. Then I started to think of all the examples in human nature, troubled periods while transitioning to a new stage of life or before mastering a new skill, and the "arsenic hour" just before dinner and bedtime. I thought about the "mid-life crisis" and the teenage years.

Inevitably I thought of parenting and children's development. So many parents worry that something is wrong when difficult periods arise. I first noticed this while supporting families practicing Elimination Communication (EC) as a DiaperFreeBaby Mentor. Many parents get concerned that EC "didn't work" as their children go through the transition from "being pottied" to being toilet independent.

The story is told in similar ways- my baby has been "ECed" since X number of months and it was going great until she started crawling/walking and now she is refusing to use the potty or pees on the floor right after I offer her the potty or seems to refuse out of spite or only goes in the potty once a day or something similar.

The situation almost always seems to be made worse as the parents try to gain control over the situation. To me it seems the child is just trying to maintain her own awareness of her body and be in control of it herself. To me it is proof that EC does "work", after all the point isn't to have an early graduate, the point is to keep the child's body awareness and respect her ability to know what her body needs.

My first point when this situation comes up is that EC is EC not because of a final outcome of graduating to toilet independence. EC is EC when you are using it as an alternative to full-time diapering, even if you are using diapers as a back-up for misses. EC is the belief that children instinctively know when they need to eliminate in the same way they know when they are hungry or tired. EC gives children control and say over their own bodies.

My second point is that it is not unusual for there to be a "two steps forward, one step back" situation during any transition period. There seem to be some survival mechanisms in place to handle transitioning to greater independence. We see this prior to major motor skills, for example. Stranger anxiety and separation anxiety seem to coincide with crawling, and later with walking. These both seem to be in place to keep children from wandering too far away from their mother or other trusted caregivers once they actually can.

In more traditional, hunter-gatherer cultures the children keep track of where the parents or other caregivers are, instead of the other way around. Many modern parents are mystified by periods of clingyness around the time of motor skill milestones or other independence based milestones. This is because many modern cultures chase their children around (which really ends up to be chasing them away) with the belief that this is necessary to keep them safe. For many the idea that children are hardwired to survive and thrive is unknown to them because the overwhelming cultural belief is that children must be chased after for their own good. So when the normal behavior is exhibited around these times parents misinterpret it as something gone wrong.

If the belief is that a child needs to be chased after and continually stopped from "getting into trouble" there is no reason to imagine that a child would need a mechanism in place to keep her close to her caregivers. Once parents understand why children become clingy before crawling, need to be held more before walking, or nurse more at night before weaning as a toddler, they are able to honor the need.

Ironically many parents instead respond to the behaviors with two very different approaches at the same time. Commonly they will see this new clingyness, increased number of misses, increased need to nurse, increased need to sleep next to parents, etc as something being wrong. The behavior is looked at as something the child needs to be broken of, and something the parent has created. Many believe they have created some sort of dependence by "giving in".

Some common thoughts that come up are:

"I should have weaned sooner because now he's addicted to nursing"

"I never should have started co-sleeping because now he'll never be able to sleep in his own bed"

"I carried her too much because now she never wants to be put down and won't go to anyone else"

"I never should have done EC because she seems to resent it and won't pee in the potty anymore out of spite"

Often parents react by trying to force independence by attempting to stop whatever the need is at the time. They try harder to get the child to use the potty without letting him take over the process for himself. They force the child into her own bed or attempt some sort of sleep training. They make a point of leaving their baby with babysitters or refuse to hold him in order to cure him of his separation and stranger anxieties. They wean from nursing cold turkey to try to avoid the perceived nursing addiction.

By reacting in these ways parents are really just imposing their own wills unnecessarily on their children by telling them that they know what is better for them than what their own bodies are telling them. When they do this they are actually perpetuating a lack of independence because they are telling their children that they can't be trusted to know their own bodies. Parents inadvertently push children beyond their comfort zone, beyond what is in place to navigate this new period of independence. Children respond, not by becoming more independent, but by becoming less.

Parents often increase dependence in the opposite way too by taking away independence. Instead of allowing children to discover and learn for themselves they jump in to help more than is needed or wanted. Take the EC example again; it is common for parents to forget to listen to their child about pottying and continue to take the lead or take over completely. Common reactions to "potty pauses" are:

- Continuing to offer the same potty locations and positions instead of considering that your child just wants something new. Sometimes it can be as simple as a boy wanting to pee standing up.

- Continually asking the child if she has to go potty rather than waiting for her to tell them.

- Putting a previously diaper-free child back in diapers full-time out of fear of misses rather than giving him a chance to notice on his own, even if it means a temporary increase in misses.

It seems that many parents have difficulty transitioning from the early months of EC where they are more in the lead. In the early months of EC they can look for signs their baby gives that he needs to eliminate but often these signs are more instinctive than conscious on the part of the baby. Whether a sign is instinctive or conscious, in the early months it is the responsibility of the caregiver to help the baby to potty. Where parents seem to get stuck later is in looking for signs that the child wants to take over the process and helping to facilitate that. They often continue pottying a 1 year old the same way as a 4 month old. They misinterpret the signs that the child wants to take over as signs the child doesn't want to use the potty at all.

I've noticed with my kids that when they are looking to become more toilet independent they don't even want to be asked if they have to go. When I relax about it, trust that they will know what their bodies need, and wait to ask me for help when and if they need it, the whole process goes a lot more smoothly.

You could say that the transition from being ECed to being toilet independent is similar to the dynamic that happens when going from the early months and years of Attachment Parenting or Continuum Concept parenting to the older, more independent, years. And many parents get stuck during that dynamic too, including me.

Though I can recognize difficulties in the dynamic, solutions aren't as straight-forward. I've already said that I noticed two opposite responses happening simultaneously- forcing too much independence too soon, and not recognizing signs of needing more independence and allowing it. Already it's confusing!

Based on my experiences, I've come up with some thoughts on how to navigate these transitions:

- Listen to what your child is saying. Trust her if she is communicating that she needs to be held often or nursed more. Believe him if he says he can't handle something such as his homework load.

- Let her do as much for herself as possible, even if it means more of "a mess" for you.

- Help out only when asked for help, and only if it is truly needed. In the case of intervening in sibling interactions/arguments especially, you may need to "wean" your children off of you jumping in to solve arguments. You may have to do a lot of encouraging them to work it out themselves.

- Switch over from offering opportunities or simply meeting needs to more and more modeling expectations and more of a "don't offer, but don't refuse" approach.

- Take these transitions for what they are- the storm before the calm; the rocky period while transitioning to something new.

- Realize that these periods are like a roller coaster ride with lots of ups and downs. Just ride it out and enjoy the ride while you're in it.

- What "works" one day might not work the next. During these times you'll constantly be straddling the line between your child wanting a lot of independence and wanting to be nearly completely dependent. It is okay to look for hidden causes of difficulties, such as food allergies, but realize that sometimes this will just keep you occupied while the transition runs its course. You may or may not find a medical problem and solution.

The rain is back again in my area, record rainfall. Walking through the driving rain today I struggled with my umbrella. The more I tried to hold onto it the more the wind tried to take it away. I tried holding it in different directions and at different heights. Finally I just closed my umbrella and embraced the rain and wind.

Now when I notice one of these stages I don't get concerned or annoyed. I get excited to witness growing independence. I think of the calm to come.

Radical Parenting on Discovery Health was Rad

My family participated in the recently aired Discovery Health Channel show Radical Parenting. In case you missed it, it will air again on March 23rd at 8pm and 11pm ET.


It was a wonderful experience and a main motivation for doing it was to open up a dialogue about Attachment Parenting. It has been very interesting to hear and read different responses.

If you didn't see the show, it followed the lives of 3 families who practice parenting styles that are considered unusual in our culture today. I represented Attachment Parenting and other practices that fit well with AP lifestyle. We showed and discussed extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, Elimination Communication, placental ritual (we planted ours), and avoiding the use of pacifiers, sippy cups, highchairs, etc.

Before the show aired I tried to imagine what the different reactions would be. I immediately figured that we would come across as more child-centered than we actually are. I anticipated this by writing my first blog entry.

I also figured that there would be the strongest reaction to the scene where we plant my daughter's placenta under a potted tree. This has turned out to be true, but not as much as I'd anticipated.

I figured babywearing would fair the best because it has become more mainstream. What I didn't anticipate was that there would be so many comments about babywearing beyond, "What's so radical about babywearing?".

Of course my inner tween was most nervous about what people would say about how we looked. I could hear chants of "You're weeeeeird!" while I was denied access to the "cool table" in the cafeteria. I know, I know, it's cliche. In reality I fared okay in middle school. I was able to straddle the line between the most popular students and the least. But somehow the self-conscious kid hides inside forever.

After the show I obsessively scanned the Internet for comments. I've been inspired, energized, annoyed, and surprised by the reactions. I'd like to go through a few of them and respond, as well as respond to the expert comments on the show. Here goes...


Attachment Parenting:

Jenn Berman's main criticism of Attachment Parenting was that it can be very demanding and parents can get burnt out. She's right. It's true of all parenting, at least in modern Western culture. I've found that staying as close to natural, biological expectations and merging them with modern culture have decreased the demands I've felt as a parent. The one thing my husband and I could do better, though, is to one of these days let someone else watch the kids so we can go out as a couple. We haven't been out without children in 11 years.

Something that surprised me was that some people described us as very "extreme" APers, but yet others criticized us for different things being too "mainstream" or "old school" (like the frame backpack my husband uses), as if we weren't really AP. Some people said they thought we were chosen because we are so extreme, and others implied that we did things just for show (yes, I started AP 20 years ago thinking that someday I might go on TV).

The truth is that I don't think of us as extreme at all. I think we might have come across that way to some people because I really think of us more as practicing Continuum Concept parenting (if I have to label us at all). I actually asked to be identified as practicing Continuum Concept parenting, but the producer felt that this would be too confusing a term for the audience. She was right.

I think the reason we were chosen was based on a lot of things, but if we didn't practice a lot of Attachment Parenting and Continuum Concept practices not only would we have gotten criticism for not really showing AP, but also the practice wouldn't have registered well on TV. We did not do anything just for show though. And I certainly don't practice any of these things to get a "most AP prize" (though if there really is one, someone please let me know).


Extended Breastfeeding:

This may have been the biggest surprise reaction-wise, on several levels. Jenn Berman's comment that a drawback to extended nursing is that kids can feel different from their peers. I'm usually pretty good at anticipating what expert comments will be. I did not see that comment coming. I do, however, have my own comments in response. First of all, all kids are different and may at times feel different from their peers. Secondly, older children who are breastfed typically only do so a couple of times a day in their own house. It is very often just at night. How would their peers even know?

Even if their peers did find out, it would be because the child felt comfortable enough to let their friend find out, say after hurting themselves while playing and needing to nurse for comfort. But also the age I was talking about, age 4, is not a typical age for kids to tease each other or exert "peer pressure". That leads me to wonder if the family or families Jenn Berman was talking about had much older children, say over 7 (not that there's anything wrong with that).

It also makes me wonder if these self-conscious children felt that way because an adult, maybe even Jenn Berman herself, made them feel that way. It reminds me of when I took a nursing 3 year old Bekah to the hospital to be treated for Rotovirus. The only thing she could even hold down a little bit of was breastmilk, which was good because it protects against Rotovirus.

When we got to the ER and talked to the nurse I let her know that thankfully Bekah was still nursing. She proceeded to turn right to poor sick little Bekah and say, "That's really silly that you do that! That's a really funny thing to do.". I wanted to deck her! I would have engaged in a very heated debate with her but she then started looking at Bekah's bruised knees and basically let me know that she suspected me of child abuse. Something inside (that intuitive parenting) told me to just shut up at that point rather than giving her an excuse to call Social Services.

Thankfully when the doctor finally arrived he felt that she was so well hydrated because of breastfeeding and decided she did not need to be admitted for IV fluids. The nurse had previously said she was positive she would need an IV. My main point though is that the adult nurse was doing everything in her power to make my daughter feel weird, different, and like she was doing something wrong.

In cultures where extended nursing is still the cultural norm (it is the biological norm everywhere), children don't feel weird at all for openly nursing as an older child. It isn't that extended nursing itself makes American children feel weird. It is that people have directly made them feel weird and simply because it isn't practiced enough. I'm hoping that shows like Radical Parenting will actually make more families feel okay about extended nursing, and more and more will practice it.

I thought though that the extended nursing would have gotten way more negative comments. I only read a couple of comments from people mistakenly thinking that there are no "benefits" to it or that I must be "doing it all the time". So perhaps we have come a long way towards greater public acceptance since extended nursing controversies of just a few years ago.


Co-Sleeping:

Jenn Berman was probably the most harsh about co-sleeping. She said the the American Academy of Pediatrics is not "a fan of co-sleeping". This actually isn't quite true. The AAP defines co-sleeping as sleeping in the same room or close proximity to your baby, a practice they support, and bed sharing as in the same bed. I happen to disagree with the suggestion that all bed sharing is dangerous, and that all crib sleeping is safe. Just as there can be safe crib sleeping and unsafe crib sleeping, there can be safe bed sharing and unsafe bed sharing.

There is also evidence that co-sleeping is safer than crib sleeping. I think the better approach Jenn Berman could have taken would have been to talk about safe versus unsafe co-sleeping. Parents are not going to stop co-sleeping and they deserve to have safe co-sleeping information.


Babywearing:

A lot of people have mistakenly commented that I wear my son Luke "all the time". I can see where they would get that impression based on Radical Parenting, but that was 15 minutes of time shown out of 3 days of filming. It would hardly show babywearing if even half of the time he was on the ground and one of the things we were trying to show was babywearing and how that helps to include your child in family life.

During the show an information box popped up that said that from birth to the crawling stage Luke was carried or in close contact with a caregiver 24 hours a day. It did not say that we carry him 24 hours a day now.

Another factor was that during the filming my 17 month old was teething big time. This increased his need to be held. I would have been holding him more whether there was a film crew there or not.

Which brings me to another factor. There was a film crew there. Just having new people and equipment in the house made him want to be held more.

I always find it interesting that the parents criticizing babywearing are the same ones lugging around a toddler without the help of a baby carrier, often while pushing the stroller that their child refuses to sit in. They are the same ones who end up with carpel tunnel syndrome and sciatica from the strain on their bodies from not using a baby carrier. Babies and toddlers need to be held. To me it makes sense to make it as easy for yourself as possible.

One thing I was worried about before the show aired was a lot of criticism about how I was wearing my sling. There was one commercial I saw where my sling was a bit too close to my shoulder and I thought other babywearers might jump on that. In my defense I am short and if the sling is too far over on my shoulder it hurts my rotator cuff. I have been babywearing a long time and I know where the sling is comfortable on me. It also may have been in a slightly different position because I had a microphone under my clothes. In the end, I only read one comment that mentioned the way I was wearing the sling.

What I didn't anticipate is that there would be criticism of my husband wearing a framed backpack. I personally don't find them comfortable, but my husband does, as do many other guys. I have close to 30 baby carriers of all types, and my husband has tried many of them. This is the only one he will use. So if it is the difference between him wearing my son in the backpack versus not wearing him at all, the backpack is just fine to me. My son also likes it.

Now to Jenn Berman's comments from the show. She said that a drawback to babywearing is that children miss out on the tactile stimulation of being able to explore their environment. I couldn't disagree with this more. In my experience children worn in slings or other baby carriers are in the perfect position to interact with life. They are within reach of a rich world of tactile exploration. They are able to hear and participate in family and community conversation. They feel the familiar shifts and movements of their mother as she goes about her day, and they learn the movements of their dad and other caregivers. The mechanism that teaches balance is stimulated and develops through their babywearing experiences.

My children have all reached their motor milestones at expected times. They have all been alert and engaged in their surrounding. They have all spoken and understood language at an early age. Bekah said her first word at 4 months, and it was clear enough for strangers to understand.

To me, what Jenn Berman said was a drawback, is actually a benefit.


Elimination Communication:

Jenn Berman gave 2 benefits of Elimination Communication, which was great, but I guess she wasn't aware of the other 73 reasons listed on the DiaperFreeBaby website.

I guess Jenn Berman didn't hear the part in my interview where I said that Elimination Communication is not early potty training. Many ECers have found that the potty training struggles and regressions that Jenn Berman cited as being a possible drawback to EC, don't happen. In fact, DiaperFreeBaby lists reducing or eliminating potty training struggles as a benefit of EC. Difficulties such as these have more to do with how a child becomes toilet independent, rather than when.

As far as the public's comments I was again very surprised because I expected to hear a lot of negative comments, but there were very few. Of the ones that I did read, they were all just based on confusing EC with early potty training.

Placenta Ritual:

I knew there would be a lot of comments about the scene where we defrost, examine, and plant my daughter's placenta. Personally, I really find looking at the placenta interesting. My midwife has showed all of us each child's placenta right after birth, and explained different things she was looking for and what they meant. Each one was a little different. One child's placenta was really unique and beautiful, even more so the umbilical cord. We used it to make beautiful tree-like prints.

Every culture has a history of placenta rituals. Experts agree that family rituals are important and healthy. I don't think planting a placenta under a tree is any more weird than say saving a lock of hair from a 1st haircut or putting a tooth under a pillow for the Tooth Fairy.

Random Comments:

The funniest comment I read in the "random" category was that the weirdest thing about the AP family was the dad going outside in the snow in shorts. Now, first of all, he really does this. It was actually a really big deal for him during the filming. He insisted on wearing his shorts for comfort and for accuracy in the depiction of our family. He shovels in shorts, bbq's year-round in shorts, checks the mail in shorts, etc.

All in all, I think Radical Parenting opened up the dialogue I was hoping it would, and I hope it continues to do so. Please let me know your thoughts on the show and any questions that you have. Also, Gina from The Feminist Breeder, the "gender-neutral" mom is hosting Radical Parents Talk Back on her radio show on March 21st. All 3 moms from the show will be on. Here is the link:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thefeministbreeder/2010/03/22/radical-parents-talk-back

Happy Parenting!

Why Attached Parenting is not Child-Centered, Helicopter Parenting

One of the biggest misconceptions about parenting practices that promote a high level of attachment is that they are overly-attentive, helicopter parenting practices. This isn't true... at least it shouldn't be.

This whole debate was really driven home to me recently when my family participated in a Discovery Health Channel show called Radical Parenting. My biggest fear was that we would come across as too "child-centered". I got increasingly nervous when I saw us described as the "overly-attentive" parents (Which was kinda funny considering just a couple of hours before I read that, my kids got on to my Facebook account and changed my status to things like "fart ooops" and "moo". So much for me being "overly-attentive"!).

The idea of not being "child-centered", as described in The Continuum Concept, is a bit difficult to show, or even explain, on a show like Radical Parenting. It is much easier for us to come across as "child-centered" and "overly-attentive".

In reality, there is some truth in all of this. Like many parents practicing Attachment Parenting, and even Continuum Concept parenting, we've found it all too easy to slip into being too child-centered in some respects. The chances of this happening seem to increase as children get older. I was just telling my husband the other day that parenting is so much easier when they're babies, when needs and wants are the same, and taking care of them is more straight-forward.

For me, some of the ways my family has slipped into being too child-centered are not having a babysitter in 11 years, sometimes slipping into conditional parenting, intervening too often in my children's interactions or while they are struggling to do something, and being either too authoritarian or too permissive rather than a confident authoritative middle ground.

If you haven't read The Continuum Concept yet this article by Jean Liedloff is a good starting point for grasping the concept of "child-centered": Who's in Control?

There seem to be many factors involved in becoming child-centered. One is that, for some parents, practicing the individual practices themselves is seen as Continuum Concept parenting. In other words, some may think it is enough to breastfeed, co-sleep, babywear, etc without considering how they practice each of these. The idea isn't to do specific things that this hunter-gatherer tribe or another have practiced. The idea is to find the essence of the overall parenting, the parts that are human nature, and figure out how to make that work for your family.

Take breastfeeding for example, of course, any amount of breastfeeding is great and any amount of breastmilk is great, but there are some mothers who breastfeed in a more "clinical" way, or in ways that interrupt the continuum. These practices tend to derail breastfeeding and shorten the length of time a baby is breastfed, not to mention often cause the mother to feel resentment towards her baby.

As Dr. Jack Newman says in his handout Colic in the Breastfed Baby, "Mothers all over the world have breastfed babies successfully without being able to tell time. Breastfeeding problems are greatest in societies where everyone has a watch and least where no one has a watch.". Timed feedings are not in line with the Continuum Concept and are responsible for a whole host of difficulties for both mother and baby. Often, when these problems occur, breastfeeding itself is blamed rather than the style of breastfeeding.

Another breastfeeding example is leaving public or social situations to breastfeed. Now I am not suggesting that every mother needs to breastfeed in public even if she is uncomfortable with it. I am a huge supporter of breastfeeding in public however.

When mothers repeatedly leave social situations to nurse their babies they give the impression they are doing something wrong. It isn't pleasant for the baby, and it is even more unpleasant for the mother. People are social creatures.

This type of isolation while breastfeeding is similar to the idea that each nursing session needs to be elevated to a lofty,"quality time", bonding moment. Initially mothers may find it more comfortable to nurse only in bed, a rocking chair, or heaped high with pillows, but eventually breastfeeding should happen whenever and wherever.

Every breastfeeding moment doesn't need to be a special moment either. Some of my best mothering memories are related to breastfeeding, but after a combined 13 years of breastfeeding and counting, not every breastfeeding moment is a memory. Candlelit dinners are nice too, but if every meal was candlelit then none of them would stand out as being special.

Sadly, I've also heard mothers talk about breastfeeding as if they were doing jail time. They talk about breastfeeding for only the "prescribed" amount of time, counting down the days until they can wean the baby cold turkey. This is not only an example of anti Continuum Concept breastfeeding, but it is unhealthy for mother and baby.

By contrast, treating breastfeeding as part of everyday family life is in line with Continuum Concept Principles. It is more of a family focused approach, rather than being child-centered. Babies want to be welcomed into family and societal life, not be separated from it and relegated to special "baby times".

Nursing can happen on cue, infused throughout the day. I am often asked in media interviews and pediatrician appointments how often I nurse. This becomes a creative improvisational exercise as I struggle to guess. Honestly, I have absolutely no idea. Why should I?

I also don't have any idea how long my child will nurse before weaning. I know that there is a biological weaning age range of between 2 and 7 years, and I know that the worldwide average age of weaning is over 4 years old, so I figure it will fall somewhere in there.

I plan a lot of parenting events and meetings and one thing that always strikes me as odd is when parents say they can't come to something because it is during "nap time". I don't find it odd because I think they are odd or bad parents. I find it odd because I don't think that way, at least not anymore. I don't have a designated time when I cease all other activities and put the baby to sleep, requiring silence throughout the house. Sure, if I'm home I'll put the baby to sleep when he shows signs of being tired at roughly the same time everyday, but often he just falls asleep in the sling.

I would never not do something just because it is around nap time. When my daughter Bekah was a baby she came to work with me at my busy paint-your-own pottery store. The busier the store was, the better she slept. She loved to be amongst the sounds of activity in the store.

I also practice Elimination Communication (EC), which is often misunderstood as being overly-attentive. EC involves responding to signs (squirming, fussing, gas, etc) that your baby needs to pee or poop by holding him or her over a toilet or potty. Many people think that this will involve hyper attentiveness and that caregivers will need to quit their jobs to stand ever vigilant day and night by their little bundle of joy. In reality, EC is no more difficult than noticing when your child is hungry or sleepy.

The nonprofit EC support organization, DiaperFreeBaby, lists being "family focused" amongst the many benefits of EC. Being family focused means that it follows the interests and needs of the entire family and is integrated into family life rather than making it a separate child-centered event.

When EC turns into "early potty training" instead, it can become child-centered. This happens when it is viewed as behavioral, something your child does to please you or to get a reward. It happens when there are set expectations on when a child will be potty trained, and the goal is early potty training. It also happens when it is done at only prescribed times, or "practice" sessions (which is different from part-time practice only at certain times, for example, only on weekends) instead of looking for cues.

EC more in line with AP and Continuum Concept parenting would be practiced without the goal of toilet independence at an early age in mind, with pottying on cue, and with the entire practice treated matter-of-factly. This article that I wrote for Infant Pottying Today sums up how I feel about practicing EC.

One of the most vocal critics of EC over the years has been Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, though he actually supports EC when done in the gentle, respectful way that groups like DiaperFreeBaby advocate. His toilet training method, which came about to counteract the punitive methods of earlier in the 20th century, is touted as being "child-centered".

So, basically, EC and other AP or Continuum Concept practices are criticized for both being too child-centered and not child-centered enough. How can that be? I think it just all boils down to a lack of understanding, both by observers making assumptions about AP practices and sometimes by parents as they struggle to apply AP concepts in a culture that's not always supportive.

This blog will focus a lot on the concept of being child-centered versus family focused. I find that is one of the most difficult aspects of Continuum Concept parenting in a modern culture to understand, and even harder to apply.