Tales: Rebekah's Birth Story- The Unexpected

When my 2nd child, Frankie, was a year old I got my period for the first time since his birth. It seemed like a regular period so when I started feeling sick a couple of weeks later I thought I had a weird flu. I say "weird" because I was nauseous but eating a lot of protein, especially several tuna sandwiches at once, made me feel better. Typical for my morning sickness, but not for a stomach bug.

I missed my next period and took a pregnancy test. The test came out positive so I made an appointment with my midwife. I thought I might be pregnant with twins because I was already feeling so much morning sickness. When I went for my appointment my midwife said I was bigger than I should be for 7 weeks. I was still thinking twins. She used a doppler to find the heartbeat and said it was stronger than a 7 week, more like a ten week. She ordered an ultrasound for the next week.

The ultrasound revealed that I was 12 weeks along, that there was only one baby, and that I had a low lying placenta and partial placenta previa. I wanted a homebirth this time and wondered if the low lying placenta would change that.

I found a well respected local homebirth midwife through referrals and interviews. Neither of my midwives, CPM or CNM, were concerned about the placenta because they felt it would move up high enough as my uterus grew with the pregnancy. I was checked throughout the pregnancy and sure enough the placenta did move up high enough.

I was still nursing Frankie but he had started biting me. It was likely due to teething, my lowered milk supply, and changes in the taste of the milk due to pregnancy. He continued to nurse until he was 1 1/2, a couple of months before the birth.

Right around the same time Frankie weaned, I developed sciatica. I had started having back pain but what really "did it" was stepping into one of those bead carts that they have in doctor's office waiting rooms. I had one on wheels at my pottery painting store. Someone left it in the walkway and I stepped right into it getting my foot stuck. Because it was on wheels it zoomed forward with my foot in it. In my effort to not fall completely on the ground, I pulled my back out. I had been walking to work everyday but now had to get rides for 6 weeks because it was agonizing to walk or stand.

Once, when I still couldn't walk, we made a trip to a department store. My husband borrowed a wheel chair for me to use and found it very amusing to wheel me into things or leave me facing a wall. Still, it was a fun trip!

Just as I started being able to walk again I fell on the icy sidewalk outside of my store. It was now December and I was rushing around getting ready for Christmas. The store was always very busy in November and December.

I had taken Lamaze classes with my first and Bradley with my second so this time I decided to try Birthing From Within. I loved all the art and we used clay from my pottery painting store in the class. I started hosting the clay portion of the local BFW classes in my studio.

At some point my primary care doctor decided I should have an internal exam to see if I was dilated because of my early birth last time. My homebirth midwife was not happy about it. She doesn't routinely do internal exams because they are unnecessary, can introduce infection, and can stimulate birth.

Christmas finally came! I felt weird the moment I woke up. I was very tired and crabby. I told my mother-in-law that I thought the baby would be born the next day. I was only 36 weeks but my last baby was born at 36 weeks. The next day was a Tuesday too and my other two children had been born on Tuesdays.

I continued to feel weird the whole day. We went to my parents house for dinner and present opening. When I didn't eat anything off of the dessert table everybody really knew something was up. I went home exhausted but used my massaging foot bath before going to bed. My husband, Frank, was still putting presents away and cleaning up when my water broke at 3am.

We called the midwife though Frank still thought the baby wouldn't be born until January. I had just had an appointment and our midwife said she felt comfortable with her being born early at home. We also called my aunt, an RN, to come over to help.

When my midwife arrived none of her equipment would work because it was so cold outside. We had to wait until it warmed up. She took my temperature and it was elevated. We discussed going to the hospital but decided it was just due to the extreme heat in my bedroom. It was over 80 degrees in my room.

I thought I would have another fast birth, but instead I labored slowly. It was a much different experience. Each contraction was easy to get through and I was walking around and socializing. I called my sister and my parents and planned for my mom to come over with my little brother. My brother was 11 years old, just like my oldest son. My oldest was away with his dad, my ex-husband, for the Christmas break. Every time I talked on the phone my labor slowed. Eventually my midwife said I shouldn't talk on the phone anymore.

I continued to labor and then felt like getting in the shower. My mom still wasn't there yet and I was starting to get nervous about having a homebirth. Really, I think I was just in transition. I was still in the shower feeling "pushy" when my mom got there. As soon as I heard her walk in the door downstairs I felt the urge to go to my bed to push. I picked a spot on my husband's side in a semi-reclining position.

I was in the bedroom with Frank, 2 midwives, and my aunt. Downstairs my mom,11 year old brother, and my 20 month old son, Frankie were in the living room. Frank had set up a video camera that broadcast the birth live on the living room television.
 

The pushing stage was no different from the rest of the labor, calm and relaxed. It was a huge contrast to my two hospital births. Bekah was born at 11:43am on December 26th, 2000, weighing 6 lbs 10 ozs. She was my 3rd Tuesday birth. She was covered in vernix and very sticky. She nursed immediately and then peed on me.

She was a very relaxed girl who loved to sleep. She would sleep for 6 hour stretches during the day. I had to wake her up to nurse sometimes. We immediately started doing sunbaths to keep jaundice in check.

 

My husband and I hadn't agreed on a name yet. I stayed upstairs recovering while Frank took care of the older kids and the house. He brought me up meals and plenty of water. He made up fancy trays of food with flowers. We communicated mostly by walkie talkie and spent most of the time discussing names. At one point an unknown person cut in on our conversation and suggested the name Emily.

The recovery was much easier and more relaxing than being in the hospital. Unfortunately, there was also a major shooting the day she was born, though not to the same degree as Columbine on the day Frankie was born. It was an office shooting in Wakefield, MA.

Bekah started coming to the store with me at 3 weeks old. She would sleep at the store in a sling or in car seat. The louder the store the longer she slept. She was able to nurse in the sling while I worked. People would think she was sleeping and would be surprised to find her nursing when they peeked inside the sling.

 

We finally decided on her name when she was a month old, Rebekah. Around this time we also decided to have a Red Egg Party to celebrate her arrival. It is a Chinese custom that we borrowed. Friends and family brought different Chinese dishes with an explanation of the significance of the dish- long noodles for a long life, for example. They also brought traditional Red Egg Party gifts such as clothing, money, and stuffed animals. As party favors we had ceramic egg boxes and lucky money envelopes.

 

Tales: Frankie's Birth Story- Just In Case

I got pregnant with Frankie less than a year after I opened my paint-your-own pottery business, Thoreau 'N' Clay, in Concord, MA. I was working long hours, lifting heavy objects, standing on my feet all day, and walking a lot. We live car free so I was walking to work everyday.

I had read Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin and had decided to have a midwife attended birth this time. My insurance would not cover homebirths. My local hospital, Emerson Hospital, did not have midwives so I found a midwifery practice at a nearby hospital on my train line.

When I was 32 weeks pregnant we took a trip to New York to attend a friend's wedding. It was a tough trip by public transportation. My husband was in the wedding party so he had a lot of obligations. I was left on my own a lot.

After the wedding, just as we started to head home, I started bleeding. We didn't know if I would make it all the way back to Massachusetts by public transportation, about a 6 hour trip.

Carle Place, NY train station

 As we stood at the Carle Place, NY train station, we thought about going to a local hospital. In the end, I decided I just wanted to get back to my midwives as soon as possible. We made it back home and the bleeding and cramping stopped.

[Side note: Thirteen years later we moved to New York a couple blocks from the Carle Place train station, and about 1 mile from this wedding venue]

I started taking prenatal exercise classes and found out about Bradley childbirth classes there. I decided to take Bradley classes even though I had already given birth once. By the time I found a class I could get to by public transportation, there wasn't enough time to complete the 12 weeks of classes before my "due date." We started taking the classes anyway and the instructor said she could do an accelerated version. Still, we spent one whole class discussing the benefits of eggs. That was our last class before I started having bloody show at 35 weeks.

I went in to see one of my midwives to get checked out. It was determined that my water hadn't broken but she was concerned about the bleeding. She put me on "house arrest" also known as modified bed rest. I skipped my Bradley class that afternoon and later that night I had some contractions. I spent the entire time I was having contractions trying to convince my husband things were really starting. They weren't at all painful but I could tell that we were having a baby sooner rather than later. My husband still thought it wouldn't be for another month.

By morning the contractions had stopped. It was Patriot's Day in Concord. My oldest son was marching in the parade with the Concord Museum. I got a ride to the parade so I didn't have to walk.

I had loose ends I needed to tie-up. I made a bank deposit and took care of some important business at my store. My parents and brother were in Concord for the parade and they made a trip to Kimball's Farm for banana splits. I went along for the ride and split a split with them.

I was extremely tired when I got home. I could barely eat dinner. I went to bed early. I woke up abruptly at 3:15am when my water broke. I wasn't having any contractions, at least none that I could feel, but I was shivering uncontrollably. We called the midwife on call and she said that I should stay home for a while since I wasn't having contractions yet. I said I was nervous since the baby was early and I wanted to get to the hospital "just in case." I wanted a chance to get settled in too. She said it would be okay for me to come in.

Since we don't have a car we had planned for my aunt, who is also an RN, to give us a ride. She was about 20 minutes away. I got ready to go while waiting for her. I started having contractions at around 3:45am as I got dressed. Every time I moved at all I would have another contraction. They were already strong enough that I couldn't talk while I was having one. I had to breathe slowly and focus inward to get through them.

There was a light rain as we left for the hospital, a 15 minute drive away. The contractions continued in the car. At one point I asked my husband and aunt in the front seat why the contractions were so close together. I didn't get an answer.

We got to the hospital and went to the check-in at the ER. There was a man ahead of us with a toe injury. I sat patiently in a wheelchair waiting to be checked in. I was pretty fully in "labor land" by that time and very inwardly focused. Eventually the woman at the check-in figured out how far along in labor I was by how close my low moans were coming. She said that we should go straight up to labor and delivery "just in case." She called up and said that she was sending up a woman in "hard labor."

We tried to get on the elevator but it was broken. I don't actually remember how we got upstairs but I'm guessing we found another one that was working.

I was given a hospital gown to put on but I preferred to stay naked. The nurses ended up just draping it over one knee. I was examined and found to be fully effaced, 8cm dilated, and the baby at a zero station. It was now 4:30am.

I had wanted to have a water birth but they said we didn't have the 45 minutes to fill and heat the tub. It was the day I turned 36 weeks and I hadn't yet gone over my birth plan with my midwife. She read it while I was getting settled in. I did not want to have an IV but they said that because I was only 36 weeks I had to have one "just in case." And even though my beta strep was negative they said I'd have to have antibiotics too "just in case" an infection was causing the early birth. I was also hooked up to fetal monitors which I didn't want.

In the midst of all of this one of the nurses approached me with paperwork to sign giving permission to immediately give my baby the Hepatitis B shot. I have zero memory of the conversation because I was so far into labor by this point. It wasn't until I watched the video later that I found out about it. I was appalled! The nurse said something like "all the babies are doing it." Then to my horror, I saw myself sign the paperwork.

A neonatologist was called in to be at the birth "just in case." He was still half asleep and had some serious bed head going on.

As I started to push, the nurses started counting. My midwife asked them to stop and let me push on my own based on what my body was telling me like I described in my birth plan. At one point there was panic because the fetal monitor was picking up a slow heartbeat. Thankfully, my midwife figured out that the baby had just moved really far down and the monitor was now picking up my heartbeat. Still, they decided to give me oxygen "just in case," something else I didn't want.

The first part of labor was very fast but the pushing part slowed down to the perfect length. It was a nice, slow, controlled birth. Frankie was born at 5:14am on Tuesday, April 20th, my 2nd Tuesday birth. He was immediately put skin-to-skin on my chest. The neonatologist examined him on my chest and we delayed cord clamping and cutting. When the cord stopped pulsing, my husband cut it and the neonatalogist further examined Frankie a few feet away while the placenta came out.

He was 6lbs 5oz and 19" long. Since he was early he had a lot of hair in weird places- on his forehead, on the tops of his ears, on his back and shoulders, etc. Hair on his forehead was at first mistaken for a big bruise.

At some point his blood sugar was tested, something I wasn't aware would be done. I was told it was a little low and he would need some formula. The midwife suggested to the nurses that I nurse him instead. He nursed for a while and his blood sugar had come up just from the nursing. When they brought him back to me after testing his blood sugar again, they told me they had given him a bottle of formula "just in case." I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach!

The hospital had boasted about "rooming in" on the tour. In reality, this wasn't what they encouraged. They tried to keep Frankie in the nursery as much as possible and kept telling me that I wanted to get as much sleep without him as possible. I was too elated immediately after birth to sleep anyway and even later on I couldn't sleep while separated from Frankie.

At one point I went to get him from the nursery and was reprimanded for not having on my hospital issue socks with the safety treads. The nurses said I should know because it was right in the hospital policy manual. I said that I gave birth at 36 weeks, 45 minutes after arriving at the hospital and hadn't been able to read any policies. I was also reprimanded for walking holding Frankie instead of wheeling him in the plastic bucket.

The first night in the hospital Frankie was very agitated. He wouldn't just nurse and sleep peacefully. I had to get up out of bed with him and walk around to calm him down. Every time he heard one of the other babies crying down the hall he would cry too.

My milk came in quickly and Frankie was nursing well. I had noticed he was tongue tied and pointed it out to my midwife. He seemed to be nursing well in spite of it and it wasn't clipped.

Frankie was born on April 20, 1999; the same day as the tragic shootings at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. I remember watching the news coverage while in the hospital. I get very sad and anxious in hospitals anyway, but the sadness of this tragedy was a strange juxtaposition with the elation of birth.

 

We were finally released from the hospital but Frankie was readmitted the next day for jaundice. The doctor felt his bilirubin level was fine but the nurse talked him into admitting him "just in case." I assumed mothers were readmitted with their babies and I stayed at the hospital in the broom closet of a visitors bedroom. I guess they didn't have the heart to tell me that I wasn't supposed to stay too. It took me a while to figure out that the other mothers whose babies had been readmitted for jaundice were travelling back and forth to the hospital.

Frankie was under bili lights and I pumped milk (a lot of it!) so they wouldn't be tempted to give him another bottle of formula. I made them write it in his chart that he was to get nothing except my milk. I asked that he be taken out of the lights to nurse, even if he used a wallaby to continue light therapy. At one point the nurse brought him to me holding him in her arms. She said he was so frantic that she couldn't bear to keep him the plastic bucket on wheels. She said she never seen such a feisty baby!

Frankie would soak his entire mattress under the bili lights with sweat and pee. The nurses couldn't believe it. His poop started to look like creamed spinach too. They said it was from the bilirubin leaving his body. They gave me some information to read on jaundice. Two pieces of irony hit me immediately- it was printed on yellow paper and it was produced by Ross Laboratories (which explained why it said that my breastmilk was a likely cause of the jaundice).

Finally we were able to go home! It was such a whirlwind birth. People's reactions were that I was lucky for having such a fast birth, but fast births are difficult because of the rapid physical and emotional adjustments.

When Frankie was just 2 weeks old he came to work with me to work a party at the store. I continued to work, both with Frankie and while he stayed home with my husband.

Today Frankie turned 17 years old. Happy Birthday, Frankie! It seems like it was just yesterday.

[Updated: 4/20/2016]

Tales: Felix's Birth Story- It Never Occurred To Me

I was just 20 years old when I got pregnant with Felix, the same age he is as I write this. Everything is so different when you're 20. I turned 21 when I was 4 months pregnant, right around the same time I performed with the ballet company I was dancing with at the time. It never occurred to me to even think about not performing.

Also, around this time, I started a new job at a maternity/baby clothes store at the mall. The first day at work I passed out in the bathroom. I didn't think to mention it to my new boss, I just had some ginger ale and crackers and kept working. I didn't want her to think I couldn't do the job. Within a short period of time, I got promoted to an hourly manager.

As my "due date" approached I continued to work and dance. We were rehearsing for Nutcracker that September and I had just had a long rehearsal on the Saturday before my due date. That Monday, the day before I was "due", I was in a manager's meeting when I started to feel weird. I was having hot and cold flashes. I didn't think to say anything or leave the meeting. The other managers noticed something was going on but must have been in denial as much as I was.

In Swan Lake, 4 months pregnant with Felix (I'm the 1st one on the left)

I didn't say anything when all the other managers left me to close that night. Back at the store, I got a hole in my bag of waters. It was a small, high break so it was just a small intermittent trickle. I was having mild contractions too. I was the closing manager and the only key holder in the store so it never occurred to me to leave.

When I got home that night I never said anything about the way I was feeling. I just went to bed. I awoke at 6:30am as my water broke, a lot this time. I went to the bathroom and got some towels to put on the bed because I wasn't going to let this stop me from getting some more sleep. After I got back in bed, my little dog Pippy continued to try to cuddle with me right between my legs. The amniotic fluid waterfall wasn't going to stop him! Somehow he managed to make his 2 pound body feel like 100 pounds as I tried to push him to a drier location. I also had the cat in my bed. The cat, being much more dignified, slept with his head on my pillow and his body under the covers like a human.

I thought I might be having contractions so I started to time anything I felt. I was surprised that they were about 5 minutes apart. I was still living at home with my parents and my bedroom was the only one downstairs. I yelled upstairs that my water broke but when nobody responded, except for the dogs who started to bark, I just waited for everyone to get up.

Two hours later my family started to come downstairs. My mother's first reaction was to call her sister, my aunt, in Rhode Island. Finally I called the hospital and the nurse asked me what my doctor's instructions were for when your water breaks. She said it would be on the instructions I was given at my last appointment. The only problem was that Pippy had eaten that paper. I had to tell her that the dog ate my homework. She laughed and told me just to come in.

The contractions felt a lot stronger and more uncomfortable on the car ride over. It was the first time I felt any discomfort at all. I wasn't in pain though, just that I actually felt the contractions. They checked me out at the hospital and hooked me up to a couple monitors. The nurse asked me when my last contraction was and I said it had been a while. She looked at the monitor and said I had just had one 3 minutes ago. Then she gave me a pubic shave (I know! Can you believe it?). Now I was starting to get uncomfortable. I didn't like all of the unnecessary probing and such.

I really got annoyed when I got an IV. It was put in and I was ordered to walk around. By this time I didn't want to walk around (I know now that my instinct during this point in labor is to lie down and get very introverted). I walked around for a while and then a couple of nurses told me I needed "something" (I'm guessing Stadol) in my IV because my contractions were irregular and I needed to relax. Hmmm, maybe I could have relaxed more if I was allowed to lie still in bed like I wanted. I know now that my contractions often don't become regular in labor anyway.

They started to administer "something" and I screamed for them to stop. I would not let them put anything in the IV. I'm probably the only woman in history to scream that I didn't want drugs in labor. Usually you hear stories about women screaming for drugs in labor, whether they really want them or not.

I was scheduled to work that afternoon so at one point I asked for a phone so I could call out of work. I explained that I couldn't make my shift because I was in labor in between my contractions. At this point I was unable to talk during contractions.

My labor kept going and when it seemed like about time to push one of my doctors finally made an appearance. He checked me and said I only had "a lip" to go. He decided that it would be best to force this lip away so with the next contraction he pushed my cervix to one side. It worked but it hurt a lot. It was one of the most painful parts of labor.

I wanted to try different pushing positions so they brought out the "squatting bar". I used that for a while but it wasn't that comfortable to push. I had heard a lot about how many mothers find pushing to be a relief. That wasn't the case for me. Even though I'd never given birth before something didn't feel quite right.

After 45 minutes of pushing the doctor checked me again and the baby was 1/2 way down the birth canal but he also got a panicked look on his face. He said something about his arm being up over his head and his elbow sticking into me. He tried to move his arm but was afraid he would break his arm or collar bone.

At this point things started moving very quickly and without a lot of communication. I wish they had suggested some different positions for me to get into but instead I was given a shot of Novocaine in my perineum (the most painful part of any labor I've experienced). I was then given an episiotomy and Felix was extracted by vacuum.

Felix was quickly whisked away to an examining table a few feet away. Thankfully he was returned to me a few minutes later but we still missed out on the immediate skin-to-skin contact humans need. He rooted around and I nursed him.

I started rehearsing Nutcracker again when Felix was just 2 weeks old, and I was back to work a couple weeks after that. I performed when he was 10 weeks old. It never occurred to me that I should take more time to rest. I left my job when Felix was a couple months old because they were strangely not very baby or nursing mother friendly, especially for a maternity/baby clothes store.












Felix was a calm and easy-going baby, interesting and artistic child, and has grown into the most amazing person. He is a caring, sensitive, and intelligent deep-thinker who is creative in the most thoughtful way. He will sacrifice himself to help out a friend or family member. He's humble and quietly does without rather than complain. And he is one of the strongest people I know. I'm so proud to have him as a son.

Tips: Preparing To Breastfeed

As a breastfeeding mother and breastfeeding supporter I often get asked how to prepare for breastfeeding. Over the years there has been quite a bit of conflicting advice about what can be done to prepare, everything from rubbing the nipples with a piece of terry cloth to toughen them to nude sunbathing. Really nothing fancy needs to be done but there are a few, maybe unexpected, ways to prepare.


Here are a few tips I've learned along the way.


Surround yourself with other breastfeeding mothers

Breastfeeding is natural but it is still a "learned skill". It helps to see breastfeeding before and during your own breastfeeding experiences. If you don't know any breastfeeding mothers, attend a local La Leche League meeting. There is a well-know story about a gorilla raised in captivity in an Ohio zoo who was unable to nurse her firstborn because she didn't know how. When she was pregnant with her 2nd baby some local La Leche League breastfeeding mothers took turns nursing outside of her cage. She went on to successfully nurse her 2nd baby. It seems even for gorillas breastfeeding is a learned skill.



Keep a positive attitude

Many mothers say "I'm going to try to breastfeed" while they are still pregnant. This attitude sets them up for failure because it implies that there is reason to fail. Our bodies are designed to make milk. The primary reasons for breastfeeding difficulties are things we do to sabotage breastfeeding, whether we mean to or not. While pregnant say "I'm going to breastfeed". There is no reason to assume breastfeeding won't work.


Look for healthcare providers who don't distribute formula samples

Studies show that mothers are highly influenced by formula sample give-aways in hospitals and doctors' offices. This is precisely why the formula companies give away free samples. Look for a doctor or midwife who does not have these samples in his or her office. Choose a birth setting, whether at home, a birth center, or hospital, that does not have formula samples or logo items (name tags, growth charts, medical information fliers, etc). A hospital or birth center with "Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative" status is a good bet because there won't be free formula samples and they will have clear-cut breastfeeding policies and credible breastfeeding support.

Research Information and Consider Your Sources

It seems everybody has an opinion and advice about breastfeeding. With all the conflicting advice out there no advice can be taken at face value. Doctors and other healthcare providers are well trained when it comes to recognizing diseases and illness, but often lack training and knowledge in lactation. Don't be afraid to ask for more information. Find out what sort of training in lactation your doctor has. Ask if there is research or other evidence to back-up the advice. If research is cited find out more about it, especially if it was done by a formula company or if the information looks different when breastfeeding is considered the "norm" instead of formula. If advice doesn't seem right to you, such as being told to wean in order to take a certain medication, ask about alternatives or if a delay in treatment is possible.


Get at least One Good Book on Breastfeeding

It helps to have a book to refer to for any breastfeeding difficulties that arise, and also to read about variations in normal breastfeeding. It can be hard to navigate the many choices but if the book is published or approved by La Leache League then that will always be a good choice. La Leche League is the world's foremost authority on breastfeeding. Most LLL Groups have lending libraries too so that you can review a number of books to find which is best for you.

The Storm Before the Calm

As the season's change in New England we are subjected to a roller coaster ride of ever-changing weather. The past couple of weeks alone, as we transitioned from winter to spring, brought us rain (lots and lots of rain!), sleet, snow, unseasonably warm and sunny weather, and wind...always a lot of wind. As I walked in whichever weather was served up each day, I reflected on how there is often a period of unrest before settling into a contented calm.

I wasn't thinking of just the weather either. First my mind wandered to things like the turbulence experienced while changing altitudes in an airplane. Then I started to think of all the examples in human nature, troubled periods while transitioning to a new stage of life or before mastering a new skill, and the "arsenic hour" just before dinner and bedtime. I thought about the "mid-life crisis" and the teenage years.

Inevitably I thought of parenting and children's development. So many parents worry that something is wrong when difficult periods arise. I first noticed this while supporting families practicing Elimination Communication (EC) as a DiaperFreeBaby Mentor. Many parents get concerned that EC "didn't work" as their children go through the transition from "being pottied" to being toilet independent.

The story is told in similar ways- my baby has been "ECed" since X number of months and it was going great until she started crawling/walking and now she is refusing to use the potty or pees on the floor right after I offer her the potty or seems to refuse out of spite or only goes in the potty once a day or something similar.

The situation almost always seems to be made worse as the parents try to gain control over the situation. To me it seems the child is just trying to maintain her own awareness of her body and be in control of it herself. To me it is proof that EC does "work", after all the point isn't to have an early graduate, the point is to keep the child's body awareness and respect her ability to know what her body needs.

My first point when this situation comes up is that EC is EC not because of a final outcome of graduating to toilet independence. EC is EC when you are using it as an alternative to full-time diapering, even if you are using diapers as a back-up for misses. EC is the belief that children instinctively know when they need to eliminate in the same way they know when they are hungry or tired. EC gives children control and say over their own bodies.

My second point is that it is not unusual for there to be a "two steps forward, one step back" situation during any transition period. There seem to be some survival mechanisms in place to handle transitioning to greater independence. We see this prior to major motor skills, for example. Stranger anxiety and separation anxiety seem to coincide with crawling, and later with walking. These both seem to be in place to keep children from wandering too far away from their mother or other trusted caregivers once they actually can.

In more traditional, hunter-gatherer cultures the children keep track of where the parents or other caregivers are, instead of the other way around. Many modern parents are mystified by periods of clingyness around the time of motor skill milestones or other independence based milestones. This is because many modern cultures chase their children around (which really ends up to be chasing them away) with the belief that this is necessary to keep them safe. For many the idea that children are hardwired to survive and thrive is unknown to them because the overwhelming cultural belief is that children must be chased after for their own good. So when the normal behavior is exhibited around these times parents misinterpret it as something gone wrong.

If the belief is that a child needs to be chased after and continually stopped from "getting into trouble" there is no reason to imagine that a child would need a mechanism in place to keep her close to her caregivers. Once parents understand why children become clingy before crawling, need to be held more before walking, or nurse more at night before weaning as a toddler, they are able to honor the need.

Ironically many parents instead respond to the behaviors with two very different approaches at the same time. Commonly they will see this new clingyness, increased number of misses, increased need to nurse, increased need to sleep next to parents, etc as something being wrong. The behavior is looked at as something the child needs to be broken of, and something the parent has created. Many believe they have created some sort of dependence by "giving in".

Some common thoughts that come up are:

"I should have weaned sooner because now he's addicted to nursing"

"I never should have started co-sleeping because now he'll never be able to sleep in his own bed"

"I carried her too much because now she never wants to be put down and won't go to anyone else"

"I never should have done EC because she seems to resent it and won't pee in the potty anymore out of spite"

Often parents react by trying to force independence by attempting to stop whatever the need is at the time. They try harder to get the child to use the potty without letting him take over the process for himself. They force the child into her own bed or attempt some sort of sleep training. They make a point of leaving their baby with babysitters or refuse to hold him in order to cure him of his separation and stranger anxieties. They wean from nursing cold turkey to try to avoid the perceived nursing addiction.

By reacting in these ways parents are really just imposing their own wills unnecessarily on their children by telling them that they know what is better for them than what their own bodies are telling them. When they do this they are actually perpetuating a lack of independence because they are telling their children that they can't be trusted to know their own bodies. Parents inadvertently push children beyond their comfort zone, beyond what is in place to navigate this new period of independence. Children respond, not by becoming more independent, but by becoming less.

Parents often increase dependence in the opposite way too by taking away independence. Instead of allowing children to discover and learn for themselves they jump in to help more than is needed or wanted. Take the EC example again; it is common for parents to forget to listen to their child about pottying and continue to take the lead or take over completely. Common reactions to "potty pauses" are:

- Continuing to offer the same potty locations and positions instead of considering that your child just wants something new. Sometimes it can be as simple as a boy wanting to pee standing up.

- Continually asking the child if she has to go potty rather than waiting for her to tell them.

- Putting a previously diaper-free child back in diapers full-time out of fear of misses rather than giving him a chance to notice on his own, even if it means a temporary increase in misses.

It seems that many parents have difficulty transitioning from the early months of EC where they are more in the lead. In the early months of EC they can look for signs their baby gives that he needs to eliminate but often these signs are more instinctive than conscious on the part of the baby. Whether a sign is instinctive or conscious, in the early months it is the responsibility of the caregiver to help the baby to potty. Where parents seem to get stuck later is in looking for signs that the child wants to take over the process and helping to facilitate that. They often continue pottying a 1 year old the same way as a 4 month old. They misinterpret the signs that the child wants to take over as signs the child doesn't want to use the potty at all.

I've noticed with my kids that when they are looking to become more toilet independent they don't even want to be asked if they have to go. When I relax about it, trust that they will know what their bodies need, and wait to ask me for help when and if they need it, the whole process goes a lot more smoothly.

You could say that the transition from being ECed to being toilet independent is similar to the dynamic that happens when going from the early months and years of Attachment Parenting or Continuum Concept parenting to the older, more independent, years. And many parents get stuck during that dynamic too, including me.

Though I can recognize difficulties in the dynamic, solutions aren't as straight-forward. I've already said that I noticed two opposite responses happening simultaneously- forcing too much independence too soon, and not recognizing signs of needing more independence and allowing it. Already it's confusing!

Based on my experiences, I've come up with some thoughts on how to navigate these transitions:

- Listen to what your child is saying. Trust her if she is communicating that she needs to be held often or nursed more. Believe him if he says he can't handle something such as his homework load.

- Let her do as much for herself as possible, even if it means more of "a mess" for you.

- Help out only when asked for help, and only if it is truly needed. In the case of intervening in sibling interactions/arguments especially, you may need to "wean" your children off of you jumping in to solve arguments. You may have to do a lot of encouraging them to work it out themselves.

- Switch over from offering opportunities or simply meeting needs to more and more modeling expectations and more of a "don't offer, but don't refuse" approach.

- Take these transitions for what they are- the storm before the calm; the rocky period while transitioning to something new.

- Realize that these periods are like a roller coaster ride with lots of ups and downs. Just ride it out and enjoy the ride while you're in it.

- What "works" one day might not work the next. During these times you'll constantly be straddling the line between your child wanting a lot of independence and wanting to be nearly completely dependent. It is okay to look for hidden causes of difficulties, such as food allergies, but realize that sometimes this will just keep you occupied while the transition runs its course. You may or may not find a medical problem and solution.

The rain is back again in my area, record rainfall. Walking through the driving rain today I struggled with my umbrella. The more I tried to hold onto it the more the wind tried to take it away. I tried holding it in different directions and at different heights. Finally I just closed my umbrella and embraced the rain and wind.

Now when I notice one of these stages I don't get concerned or annoyed. I get excited to witness growing independence. I think of the calm to come.

Tips: Babywearing Safety

 There was recently a warning issued by the Consumer Product Safety Commision (CPSC) about the use of slings, especially by children under 4 months old. While I applaud the effort to educate the public on babywearing safety, I would have liked to have seen more of a clarification on differences between safe and unsafe carriers.

The unsafe style of baby sling is the "bag style" sling. These highly uncomfortable slings have a deep pouch, gathered rails, and a strap like a guitar strap. The deep pouch is designed (and often "over-designed") to create a highly angled curve. This design causes an extreme chin on chest curl which makes breathing difficult (at best!). The extra fabric and shape of the pouch also make breathing difficult and suffocation all too easy.

In all the photographs I've seen of bag style carriers in use, the entire pouch itself was way too low on the caregiver. This makes it, not only very uncomfortable, but also difficult to get a sense of how your baby is doing. Babywearing International says that babies should be "close enough to kiss". What a simple and beautiful way to think of it!.

The gathered edges, or "rails" of the bag style slings, also contribute to re-breathing and suffocation when the baby is worn reclining in the bag sling. It also makes it difficult to impossible to see your baby.

There are plenty of 2 ring baby slings which are safe and beneficial when worn correctly, even in reclining positions. Bag style slings aren't one of them. But, even so, in my experience even newborns prefer to be held upright, tummy-to-tummy. There are a lot of slings and other carriers that accomplish this much more easily, comfortably, and safely than bag style carriers.

Still, no matter how safe the carrier, there are still some steps that can be taken to babywear safely and with confidence. Here are some basic tips:

- Choose the right carrier for you, your baby, and your circumstances. Something you are comfortable with and confident using is going to be safer. Local Babywearing International groups often have lending libraries where you can try out different carriers without the expense of buying.

- Read the instructions carefully. Watch an accompanying video, if available.

- Get some in-person support. Midwives, doulas, La Leche League meetings, and local Babywearing International groups are all great resources for babywearing.

                                   - Slings and other carriers are meant to hold babies in positions you would hold them in without a carrier. The carrier is supposed to make it easier and keep hands free. Put your baby into a carrier in a position you would otherwise carry him in, and periodically check to make sure he is still in this position.

                                  - Be aware of your surroundings while carrying your baby. Be especially aware of anything that sticks out such as counter tops, shelves, railings, and doors. For older babies, be aware of what is at reaching distance.

                                 - Unless nursing, your baby should not be facing inward. Position your baby facing up and not in either sideways directions where fabric could making breathing difficult or suffocation could happen.

                                 - Do not put sling fabric over your baby's face. Also, keep in mind that many infants do not like fabric touching the back of their head while nursing.

                                - Make sure your baby is not in an extreme curl, or chin to chest position.

Additional Resources:

Babywearing International's Safety Guidelines

Babywearing Safety on Facebook

Manufacturers Respond to Baby Sling Safety Warning

Radical Parenting on Discovery Health was Rad

My family participated in the recently aired Discovery Health Channel show Radical Parenting. In case you missed it, it will air again on March 23rd at 8pm and 11pm ET.


It was a wonderful experience and a main motivation for doing it was to open up a dialogue about Attachment Parenting. It has been very interesting to hear and read different responses.

If you didn't see the show, it followed the lives of 3 families who practice parenting styles that are considered unusual in our culture today. I represented Attachment Parenting and other practices that fit well with AP lifestyle. We showed and discussed extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, Elimination Communication, placental ritual (we planted ours), and avoiding the use of pacifiers, sippy cups, highchairs, etc.

Before the show aired I tried to imagine what the different reactions would be. I immediately figured that we would come across as more child-centered than we actually are. I anticipated this by writing my first blog entry.

I also figured that there would be the strongest reaction to the scene where we plant my daughter's placenta under a potted tree. This has turned out to be true, but not as much as I'd anticipated.

I figured babywearing would fair the best because it has become more mainstream. What I didn't anticipate was that there would be so many comments about babywearing beyond, "What's so radical about babywearing?".

Of course my inner tween was most nervous about what people would say about how we looked. I could hear chants of "You're weeeeeird!" while I was denied access to the "cool table" in the cafeteria. I know, I know, it's cliche. In reality I fared okay in middle school. I was able to straddle the line between the most popular students and the least. But somehow the self-conscious kid hides inside forever.

After the show I obsessively scanned the Internet for comments. I've been inspired, energized, annoyed, and surprised by the reactions. I'd like to go through a few of them and respond, as well as respond to the expert comments on the show. Here goes...


Attachment Parenting:

Jenn Berman's main criticism of Attachment Parenting was that it can be very demanding and parents can get burnt out. She's right. It's true of all parenting, at least in modern Western culture. I've found that staying as close to natural, biological expectations and merging them with modern culture have decreased the demands I've felt as a parent. The one thing my husband and I could do better, though, is to one of these days let someone else watch the kids so we can go out as a couple. We haven't been out without children in 11 years.

Something that surprised me was that some people described us as very "extreme" APers, but yet others criticized us for different things being too "mainstream" or "old school" (like the frame backpack my husband uses), as if we weren't really AP. Some people said they thought we were chosen because we are so extreme, and others implied that we did things just for show (yes, I started AP 20 years ago thinking that someday I might go on TV).

The truth is that I don't think of us as extreme at all. I think we might have come across that way to some people because I really think of us more as practicing Continuum Concept parenting (if I have to label us at all). I actually asked to be identified as practicing Continuum Concept parenting, but the producer felt that this would be too confusing a term for the audience. She was right.

I think the reason we were chosen was based on a lot of things, but if we didn't practice a lot of Attachment Parenting and Continuum Concept practices not only would we have gotten criticism for not really showing AP, but also the practice wouldn't have registered well on TV. We did not do anything just for show though. And I certainly don't practice any of these things to get a "most AP prize" (though if there really is one, someone please let me know).


Extended Breastfeeding:

This may have been the biggest surprise reaction-wise, on several levels. Jenn Berman's comment that a drawback to extended nursing is that kids can feel different from their peers. I'm usually pretty good at anticipating what expert comments will be. I did not see that comment coming. I do, however, have my own comments in response. First of all, all kids are different and may at times feel different from their peers. Secondly, older children who are breastfed typically only do so a couple of times a day in their own house. It is very often just at night. How would their peers even know?

Even if their peers did find out, it would be because the child felt comfortable enough to let their friend find out, say after hurting themselves while playing and needing to nurse for comfort. But also the age I was talking about, age 4, is not a typical age for kids to tease each other or exert "peer pressure". That leads me to wonder if the family or families Jenn Berman was talking about had much older children, say over 7 (not that there's anything wrong with that).

It also makes me wonder if these self-conscious children felt that way because an adult, maybe even Jenn Berman herself, made them feel that way. It reminds me of when I took a nursing 3 year old Bekah to the hospital to be treated for Rotovirus. The only thing she could even hold down a little bit of was breastmilk, which was good because it protects against Rotovirus.

When we got to the ER and talked to the nurse I let her know that thankfully Bekah was still nursing. She proceeded to turn right to poor sick little Bekah and say, "That's really silly that you do that! That's a really funny thing to do.". I wanted to deck her! I would have engaged in a very heated debate with her but she then started looking at Bekah's bruised knees and basically let me know that she suspected me of child abuse. Something inside (that intuitive parenting) told me to just shut up at that point rather than giving her an excuse to call Social Services.

Thankfully when the doctor finally arrived he felt that she was so well hydrated because of breastfeeding and decided she did not need to be admitted for IV fluids. The nurse had previously said she was positive she would need an IV. My main point though is that the adult nurse was doing everything in her power to make my daughter feel weird, different, and like she was doing something wrong.

In cultures where extended nursing is still the cultural norm (it is the biological norm everywhere), children don't feel weird at all for openly nursing as an older child. It isn't that extended nursing itself makes American children feel weird. It is that people have directly made them feel weird and simply because it isn't practiced enough. I'm hoping that shows like Radical Parenting will actually make more families feel okay about extended nursing, and more and more will practice it.

I thought though that the extended nursing would have gotten way more negative comments. I only read a couple of comments from people mistakenly thinking that there are no "benefits" to it or that I must be "doing it all the time". So perhaps we have come a long way towards greater public acceptance since extended nursing controversies of just a few years ago.


Co-Sleeping:

Jenn Berman was probably the most harsh about co-sleeping. She said the the American Academy of Pediatrics is not "a fan of co-sleeping". This actually isn't quite true. The AAP defines co-sleeping as sleeping in the same room or close proximity to your baby, a practice they support, and bed sharing as in the same bed. I happen to disagree with the suggestion that all bed sharing is dangerous, and that all crib sleeping is safe. Just as there can be safe crib sleeping and unsafe crib sleeping, there can be safe bed sharing and unsafe bed sharing.

There is also evidence that co-sleeping is safer than crib sleeping. I think the better approach Jenn Berman could have taken would have been to talk about safe versus unsafe co-sleeping. Parents are not going to stop co-sleeping and they deserve to have safe co-sleeping information.


Babywearing:

A lot of people have mistakenly commented that I wear my son Luke "all the time". I can see where they would get that impression based on Radical Parenting, but that was 15 minutes of time shown out of 3 days of filming. It would hardly show babywearing if even half of the time he was on the ground and one of the things we were trying to show was babywearing and how that helps to include your child in family life.

During the show an information box popped up that said that from birth to the crawling stage Luke was carried or in close contact with a caregiver 24 hours a day. It did not say that we carry him 24 hours a day now.

Another factor was that during the filming my 17 month old was teething big time. This increased his need to be held. I would have been holding him more whether there was a film crew there or not.

Which brings me to another factor. There was a film crew there. Just having new people and equipment in the house made him want to be held more.

I always find it interesting that the parents criticizing babywearing are the same ones lugging around a toddler without the help of a baby carrier, often while pushing the stroller that their child refuses to sit in. They are the same ones who end up with carpel tunnel syndrome and sciatica from the strain on their bodies from not using a baby carrier. Babies and toddlers need to be held. To me it makes sense to make it as easy for yourself as possible.

One thing I was worried about before the show aired was a lot of criticism about how I was wearing my sling. There was one commercial I saw where my sling was a bit too close to my shoulder and I thought other babywearers might jump on that. In my defense I am short and if the sling is too far over on my shoulder it hurts my rotator cuff. I have been babywearing a long time and I know where the sling is comfortable on me. It also may have been in a slightly different position because I had a microphone under my clothes. In the end, I only read one comment that mentioned the way I was wearing the sling.

What I didn't anticipate is that there would be criticism of my husband wearing a framed backpack. I personally don't find them comfortable, but my husband does, as do many other guys. I have close to 30 baby carriers of all types, and my husband has tried many of them. This is the only one he will use. So if it is the difference between him wearing my son in the backpack versus not wearing him at all, the backpack is just fine to me. My son also likes it.

Now to Jenn Berman's comments from the show. She said that a drawback to babywearing is that children miss out on the tactile stimulation of being able to explore their environment. I couldn't disagree with this more. In my experience children worn in slings or other baby carriers are in the perfect position to interact with life. They are within reach of a rich world of tactile exploration. They are able to hear and participate in family and community conversation. They feel the familiar shifts and movements of their mother as she goes about her day, and they learn the movements of their dad and other caregivers. The mechanism that teaches balance is stimulated and develops through their babywearing experiences.

My children have all reached their motor milestones at expected times. They have all been alert and engaged in their surrounding. They have all spoken and understood language at an early age. Bekah said her first word at 4 months, and it was clear enough for strangers to understand.

To me, what Jenn Berman said was a drawback, is actually a benefit.


Elimination Communication:

Jenn Berman gave 2 benefits of Elimination Communication, which was great, but I guess she wasn't aware of the other 73 reasons listed on the DiaperFreeBaby website.

I guess Jenn Berman didn't hear the part in my interview where I said that Elimination Communication is not early potty training. Many ECers have found that the potty training struggles and regressions that Jenn Berman cited as being a possible drawback to EC, don't happen. In fact, DiaperFreeBaby lists reducing or eliminating potty training struggles as a benefit of EC. Difficulties such as these have more to do with how a child becomes toilet independent, rather than when.

As far as the public's comments I was again very surprised because I expected to hear a lot of negative comments, but there were very few. Of the ones that I did read, they were all just based on confusing EC with early potty training.

Placenta Ritual:

I knew there would be a lot of comments about the scene where we defrost, examine, and plant my daughter's placenta. Personally, I really find looking at the placenta interesting. My midwife has showed all of us each child's placenta right after birth, and explained different things she was looking for and what they meant. Each one was a little different. One child's placenta was really unique and beautiful, even more so the umbilical cord. We used it to make beautiful tree-like prints.

Every culture has a history of placenta rituals. Experts agree that family rituals are important and healthy. I don't think planting a placenta under a tree is any more weird than say saving a lock of hair from a 1st haircut or putting a tooth under a pillow for the Tooth Fairy.

Random Comments:

The funniest comment I read in the "random" category was that the weirdest thing about the AP family was the dad going outside in the snow in shorts. Now, first of all, he really does this. It was actually a really big deal for him during the filming. He insisted on wearing his shorts for comfort and for accuracy in the depiction of our family. He shovels in shorts, bbq's year-round in shorts, checks the mail in shorts, etc.

All in all, I think Radical Parenting opened up the dialogue I was hoping it would, and I hope it continues to do so. Please let me know your thoughts on the show and any questions that you have. Also, Gina from The Feminist Breeder, the "gender-neutral" mom is hosting Radical Parents Talk Back on her radio show on March 21st. All 3 moms from the show will be on. Here is the link:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thefeministbreeder/2010/03/22/radical-parents-talk-back

Happy Parenting!